Sponge and I are totally like brother and sister

Who/what is your biggest enemy in life? Probably your own neighbor, your dentist or maybe penguins ruining your lawn.

Well besides my husband, my numb toes, cheese, the vacuum cleaner and unkind people, mine is: STRESS.

Stress like in: knocking people over in a crowded mass or bar, hysterical climbing the Christmas tree and yell “I’ve made it to the top!”, biting bus chauffeur’s fingers off (true story), walking and working faster than the human eye can spot, sticking your head outside the car on the highroad shaking your head like you’re a Monster&Co employer yelling “So I’m hot; what are ya’ll looking at!” Taking your administration with you to the toilet, if you überhaupt (at all) go to the Loo because ain’t no time for that or thinking you see someone eating raw coffee beans while he’s only eating white beans in tomato sauce with chips and after asking why he’s eating that you know there’s something wrong with you.

I have always been a natural talent ‘stress chicken’, as we call it in the Netherlands, well in my case that is ‘stress chick’; the difference is going in crazy panic but then in a sexy way. Like when you lose your wallet (with $1000 in it; yeah stupid I know) on the beach, instead of running around throwing your arms in the air as if you were Spongebob, you go searching through the sand on your hands and knees which is less confronting since some bikinis have the habit to throw your boobies out, which in my case would not happen because of flat issues there but I’m sure that doesn’t count for you.

But as I think about it: searching on your hand and knees with only your bikini on, could be kind of provoking too in some way. And also I just realized I can not consider myself a ‘stress chick’ because actually if I’m being honest (which I totally always am) I totally rank with the Spongebob-elite because I am the kind of chick who goes wholly and completely from top to bottom insane when I should lose my $1000 wallet (read: ‘should’) by screaming and running with arms in the air, pushing people away from under their sun shade and by grabbing the beach microphone to broadcast if anyone had seen my wallet, which of course should be heard all over the entire beach and after which I would be banned from the beach immediately.

I am really no joke when I’m stressed; I could easily kill you, especially if you would give me a disadvantage in some kind of situation; like buying a three groups espresso machine from me ($10.000) and don’t pay me afterwards and if your restaurant would be suddenly switched owners and then the new owners would say that it’s not their responsibility that the machine is not paid off and you try to take in your own machine in the restaurant after cursing everyone to hell and back and threatened the old ánd new owners that I would bite all of their fingers off (really) if they wouldn’t give back my espresso stuff so if they would not be prepared to do that I would be taken in the machine myself because it’s not paid for and it’s mine, but then they would threaten me to call the police because I would try to steal their espresso machine, which technically would not be theirs because it is not paid for so it is mine and then you sue everyone of them and lose more money than the actual profit you would have gotten if they would had paid the damn coffee thing.

Then you can expect some violating gestures, threats, cursing and actual paws from my part, because if you touch my stuff: I’ll touch YOU AND YOUR STUFF!!

BYTHEWAY: previous example was NOT AN EXAMPLE but an actual occasion from the very many shit occasions that happened in the 29 year of entrepreneurship crap. I’m just NOT made for that sort of shAt (shit).

We could be totally brother and sister; Sponge and I. Actually I do not even know why I live on planet earth instead of Bikini Bottom and for what I know I totally could be Sponge his sister who was send to earth and to fit in had been refined and polished up artificially to transform into a human looking something. You could only recognize me because of my insane Squarepants like stress character properties which is expressed in many different occasions where I loose total connection with objectivity and nervous arms through the air take over my life.

Being hysterical has always been my second nature and it took me a immense long time to cure from that (which not succeeded entire entirely though, but enough to don’t bite off any of people’s fingers anymore) with the help of Jack and a lot of medication in the form of drugs, well not entirely, it was actually only natural supplements, forced rest, natural progesterone and heavy lectures; but it felt the same.

What is your biggest enemy in life? Is it stress or something else? Are you a stress chick? Please let me know and send me some mail because I molested and closed the comment section because of 40million spammers and stuff. Mail to: info (@) celesta.nl

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