{"id":3175,"date":"2017-12-08T10:05:35","date_gmt":"2017-12-08T10:05:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/celesta.nl\/?p=3175"},"modified":"2017-12-10T17:47:08","modified_gmt":"2017-12-10T17:47:08","slug":"retarded-gnome-gangster","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/celesta.nl\/index.php\/retarded-gnome-gangster\/","title":{"rendered":"My family wants me to dress like a retarded gnome gangster"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/div>\n

\"Celesta\"<\/a>I am the type of person who has got this ‘fragile-sinus-construction-glued-to-her-face’ kind of girl (or meanwhile maybe it is middle aged woman) and gets sick whenever the cold air is in town or whenever it is windy.<\/p>\n

I’ve had this all my life, just like my grandma did. My mom called me the barking dog at night and accused me always with: “you were barking like crazy again tonight”. I always blamed the non-existing dog from the neighbors as the possible night barker; but she assured me that wasn’t the case.<\/p>\n

It just is insane that on a tropical day at the beach in Italy at 30 degrees celsius and a huge amount of wind; I get sick instantly on my feet.<\/p>\n

So usually I walk down the streets totally unrecognizable wrapped in a don’t-catch-a-cold outfit.<\/p>\n

Left over winter is coming…<\/span><\/h2>\n

Winter is coming again; or what is left of ‘winter’ anyway. And husband and daughter unanimous agreed that it would be better to dress myself better than ever. So I wouldn’t be accused for destroying all my neighbor’s night peace all winter long.<\/p>\n

\"CreepyFor \u20ac5,95 they force this multi functional bivouac ski cap on to me. I don’t exactly know if they are just ashamed of me that they will force me to hide my whole self or maybe they don’t want to be infected anymore whenever I cough their eye balls full with whatever comes out when you’ve got a serious cold and cough. But there must be some reason why I all of a sudden have to cover myself like a bank robber or night fisherman (fisher woman in this case).<\/p>\n

Creepy, warm and handy…..I guess<\/h2>\n

One thing is for sure: it sure looks like this creepy cover thing will protect your whole being from collecting more #metoo’s than I have now, they probably hit the road anyway because of thinking I should rob them from their set of bollocks. I guess it would also make a great barrier so I can’t get a snotty head after I hit the windy streets.<\/p>\n

It’s made of fleece and “it keeps your face warm during the winter” which is great, although I don’t go outside very much, but if I do I’m going to embarrass myself real good from now on!<\/p>\n

\"balaclava\"<\/p>\n

No offense to other people who thought buying this daunting warriors outfit was a good idea. I’ll bet that if you are busy with your ninjutsu<\/a> ; there should be no problem. But I’m not; I’ve never even heard of this word in my entire life until I searched the internet just now.<\/p>\n

You see, the thing is when you live in an -418 degrees celsius environment, or you walk on a ski piste than it looks alright. But if you only go to the supermarket in a 15 degrees celsius environment or go shopping for a gala dress or having a business appointment then I assume it is going to feel kind of weird. Not sure if I’m ready for that. Then I’ll have to scream loud to people staring at me: “hey I have a sensitive nose alright”!!!<\/p>\n

Unless you go shopping for a cargo sanitary napkins or you go out without makeup or with a mega pimple then it is most suitable and allowed.<\/p>\n

Warm & handy<\/h2>\n

This Super embarrassing piece of fabric is also incredibly convenient because of the many ways to wear; at least they mention in their sales propaganda.<\/p>\n

You can wear the stupid garment as hat, scarf, balaclava or even as bag; but I’m not really sure what they mean by that? Does that mean I go sit in the thing or does it mean I put the thing as a bag on my head?<\/p>\n

But as I check the pictures they obviously mean you also can make a bag out of the head warmer. So why don’t they write that in the first place?<\/p>\n

\"Ski<\/p>\n

And that ‘balaclava<\/a>‘ chatter; what do they insinuate here? ‘With the handy drawstrings on both sides you can pull the hat real tight’. Do I want that really? First of all you make me look like a complete moron who’s already lousy reputation gets damaged. Then you want me to look like an even unhealthy distorted human specie by letting me walk around as if I am a written off coffee importer business woman been pushed through an automated coffee machine.<\/p>\n

Ventilating and isolating<\/h2>\n

Hyper ventilating they probably mean.<\/b><\/p>\n

‘The fabric isolates the heat so you can’t get cold ears, nose or neck and catch a cold. In addition; fleece is a substance not stifled, it keeps you easy ventilated and can therefore dress yourself as thick as you want.’<\/p>\n

So in other words: you are already dressed like a walking sauna and now you want me to top dress meself and propel as a little Michelin Man.<\/p>\n

\"Pink<\/a>Welll..I don’t know yet; shall I also pick a color which will make me a sexy Michelina? Or like Ninja black or as Little Red Riding Hood or wait; as a Pink cupcake!! Yeah I was already planning on going to experience life through pink glasses from now on…..I think.<\/p>\n

Oh well.. too late… they already ordered me 2 black scary ones. They didn’t even discuss if my very thick mop of hair will fit in the 60cm girth of the stupid thing. How do I manage that? Should I scram that in? If I do that, there will be a huge visible bulging so that it looks like having a pregnant head.<\/p>\n

I already feel sleepless nights ahead in the make because there might be a chance I could get caught and then they would put me in jail because I will look like a retarded gangster.<\/p>\n

To be continued….<\/em><\/p>\n

For more rubbish you can take the risk here:<\/p>\n

[email-subscribers namefield=”NO” desc=”” group=”Public”]<\/p>\n

Follow Me:<\/p>\n

instagram.com\/celesta66<\/p>\n

twitter.com\/celesta66<\/p>\n

facebook.com\/celesta.vandam<\/p>\n

\u00a9Celesta.nl – 2017<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I am the type of person who has got this ‘fragile-sinus-construction-glued-to-her-face’ kind of girl (or meanwhile maybe it is middle aged woman) and gets sick whenever the cold air is in town or whenever...<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":3180,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_vp_format_video_url":"","_vp_image_focal_point":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,2,1],"tags":[514,517,547,593,595,557,594,596,546,591],"class_list":["post-3175","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-this","category-crap","category-whos-gonna-read-this-anyway","tag-blog","tag-blogging","tag-blogs","tag-cold","tag-fashion","tag-funny","tag-outfit","tag-streetwear","tag-woman","tag-womanblogger"],"yoast_head":"\nMy family wants me to dress like a retarded gnome gangster - 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