Apparently I’m No Longer Trusted Around Insects
So my family has apparently caught wind of my blog and, sure enough, I have now been presented with a turbo insect terminator that supposedly does not send tiny creatures straight to insect heaven.
This sweet but oh-so-naughty impossible green-colored let-the-insects-just-live-their-lives device (also known as a bug catcher) is specifically meant for me so I stop destroying innocent creepy-crawlies in the house.
During testing we quickly came to the conclusion that whatever ended up inside that thing would probably never emerge completely intact ever again, and if by some miracle it did, it would most likely have to continue life without a backside, which seems highly unlikely because honestly, what are you supposed to do without a butthole?
My hypothesis is that we would eventually end up with giant flying insect monsters resembling miniature elephants, simply because they would have to store all their poop inside their already tiny little bodies.
On top of that, nobody would know when these locomotive poop-elephant-bug-creatures would eventually explode, resulting in what would most likely become a massive insect-poop festival during which everybody would get covered in years of compressed bug excrement and smell absolutely terrible afterwards, which, to be fair, could be useful if you’re trying to keep your often unstable fellow humans at a safe distance.
But anyway, back to the test.
The moment I put the dazzling neon-green contraption down, the husband suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs, “Quick!!! Grab that thing!”
Which immediately forced me to go searching for the ridiculous insect device all over again because it had somehow been shoved underneath a cabinet, which is apparently the perfect place to store something you might need quickly at a moment’s notice.
Naturally, this happened because we believed we were about to capture the largest turbo-insect in human history (which wouldn’t even have fit inside the thing anyway) and preserve it forever in our newly acquired absurd insect containment unit.
After creating considerable destruction throughout the living room, because you really have to catch one of these ADHD insects before it takes over the entire household, we finally managed to capture the beast inside our newly acquired mobile insect prison.
Caught. Trapped. Incarcerated.
At least that’s what you think.
The complication with this device is that the moment you catch a creature, you must immediately begin analyzing exactly what kind of dragon you’re dealing with.
Is it an ant? A beaver? Oh wait, that’s not an insect. A fly? A mosquito? A beetle? A drunk spider?
The point is that every insect apparently requires a different extraction method.
Take this ADHD spider that had clearly swallowed far too much Ritalin. We had to help him, her, them, or possibly all of the above simultaneously, get a little farther over the threshold of the involuntary insect zoo.
All while carefully making sure we didn’t snap any of its long legs.
Unless that’s something you enjoy, and those people certainly exist too.
The sadism practically drips off them.
They’re absolutely nothing like I used to be before my daughter repeatedly called me to order whenever I flattened a bug.
No, those people slowly pull the legs off one by one and then sit there staring at the remaining body while it suddenly starts wondering whether it has somehow transformed into a confused turtle lying helplessly on its back.
But with this impossible green device, I fear that sometimes you simply cannot avoid accidentally tearing the entire little body to pieces and then being left behind with emotional damage, three detached legs and a full-blown existential crisis while the mosquito lies half-disassembled across your entire living room and you’re left wondering whether this insect-you-are-never-going-anywhere-again-resort-device was really such a brilliant idea after all.
