The Quarrelsome Meerkats That Were Exterminated by The Zoo
Read in Dutch
Since January this year, our entire family collectively got zoo subscriptions. Because yes: baby in da house, so that means staring at ridiculous animals and dragging ourselves through the Rotterdam Zoo for entire (very long) days.
Now personally, I’m not much of a stroller. Especially not alongside a bunch of imprisoned animals collectively pacing around in boredom like their lives literally depend on it.
And since we happen to live in the Rotterdam region, we are basically doomed to visit Blijdorp whenever we feel the need for elephant poop, mildly traumatized tigers and three full hours of being intensely stared at by a depressed capybara.
There’s always SOMETHING going on at Blijdorp. First there was gorilla Bokito, the man-eater and zoo hypnotist, then the frequently escaped wild cats that regularly send all free-roaming humans in the zoo scrambling up trees and recently they conveniently removed the great apes altogether, which just happened to be the oversized jungle creatures I was almost paying 3000 euros for in order to communicate with them and occasionally knit together.
And now they also killed 7 meerkats because they kept fighting and apparently there wasn’t enough space to separate them.
Welllllll now. You cannot make this stuff up. That all the animal experts, caretakers, doctors, directors, bathroom ladies and playground-disaster-miniature-scream-machines-supervisors, collectively possessed so few functioning brain cells that THIS was genuinely the only solution they could come up with.
It’s probably a good thing that Blijdorp and by the way where does the ‘happy’ in the word Blijdorp (happy village) even come from, has no authority over your children. Because otherwise Dutch families would be dramatically reduced in size, if you ask me.
But now about the meerkats for a second. Coincidentally, over the past few months I had extensive contact with these hilarious little meerkat creatures: Bets, Dirk, Tjappie, Frekie, Drokkie, Pjottr and Aunt Truus. The 7 exterminated pride jewels of Blijdorp Zoo.
They were always having the time of their lives playing tag together, after which one of them would suddenly run outside and plaster itself against the glass just to psychologically torment the others.
Every now and then a meerkat fight would break out, after which Drokkie once suggested dumping Frekie on the opposite side of the zoo or inside the children’s playground to occasionally correct some annoying miniature humans. Buttttt Blijdorp put a stop to that idea, so over and out.
This footage we took recently 8 april 2026 before they were eliminated to the other side.
Bets even said: “Soon we’re going shopping for some nice outfits again so we can keep the endless incoming hordes of influencers satisfied and fluff up their videos a little instead of constantly appearing in these boring brown-grey everyday outfits.”
Aunt Truus specifically wanted to get dramatic fake eyelashes installed, but apparently none of that matters anymore because Aunt Truus, Drokkie and Pjottr have probably already been fed to the lions, which honestly also sounds suspicious to me.
To be fair, I should mention that information comes from my own highly unreliable source. But with Blijdorp these days you honestly just don’t know anymore.
It’s especially sad for the baby, because she had already become emotionally attached to Tjappie and Frekie, and what exactly are we supposed to tell her now? “The zoo processed your little friends into the afterlife for convenience purposes because they apparently had aggressive disagreements about who got to stand at the food bowl first.”
Children totally understand that sort of thing, right?
And probably Tjappie, Frekie, Drokkie and Pjottr are STILL on the other side picking fights with Dirk, Bets and Aunt Truus over who kept running into the window and perhaps finally agreeing with each other about that ridiculous zoo that sabotaged their delightful little lives.
So this impressive euthanasia project by “the most animal-friendly zoo in the Netherlands” technically did perform a good deed after all, because now they never fight anymore.
The deeply disillusioned meerkats are currently trying to figure out a way to return to Earth, but so far this has unfortunately not been successful. But once they do, Blijdorp Zoo: you better start hiding immediately because Tjappie, Frekie and the gang are heavily resentful ex-Blijdorp weirdos with unfinished business and an extremely unhealthy desire for revenge.
Another beautiful contribution by Blijdorp is that the baby will now grow up believing zoos are basically emotionally unstable soap operas where any animal can suddenly be written out of the script at any given moment like it’s a darker version of a Dutch daytime drama but with even more radical transportation-to-the-afterlife practices.
Blijdorp is known for being extremely loving toward animals. Don’t believe them though. That’s a joke.
And as if this entire bizarre clown performance wasn’t already disturbing enough, two schools visiting the zoo on a field trip recently got into a massive fight with each other.
Such an enormous brawl broke out in front of the lions that an entire police force had to show up to separate around 60 normally digitally programmed but currently malfunctioning little snot monkeys (not to be confused with actual monkeys).
After which Blijdorp itself immediately jumped into action and apparently suggested giving all 60 unfortunate little defects “a little nap” (you know, from the verb euthanize, also known as: exterminating). So you see, that really does appear to be the standard mindset over there.
The police, however, disagreed and escorted the entire emotional zoo entrance toward the exit while the frustrated teenage pancakes continued screaming at each other.
Extra warning to the responsible Blijdorp zoo employees who ‘helped’ Bets, Dirk, Tjappie, Frekie, Drokkie, Pjottr and Aunt Truus: there is also an infinite misery dimension filled with deceased lunatics who randomly launched other living beings into eternity for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Sad update regarding the recently born baby giraffe Shaki. My video of the tiny neck creature can be seen here. For unclear reasons, the little animal passed away last week.
Very sad of course and simultaneously slightly questionable, because the poor thing had only just begun its existence as a walking transmission tower with eyelashes.
Reportedly, the spotted long-neck did NOT get into arguments with fellow giraffes.
Enjoy Blijdorp. Or whatever is left of it.
PS: next time I visit Blijdorp I sincerely hope they don’t recognize me there or I will probably be immediately removed from the zoo or perhaps even euthanized myself. You honestly never know over there anymore. But I’ll keep you updated.
